i haven't posted for a while, but i'm starting anew. this blog will be getting a lot more traffic bc i now have a comp upstairs, so no sneaking downstairs. i got found out a few days ago by a girl i thought was my friend. she read through my notebook, and i know she can't keep a secret to save her life, so i have a nagging feeling that not only her knows now. i've done pretty well (somewhat) in that i don't eat during lunch. my mum has been making really terrible food lately, and with staying with my adopted grandma, i've eaten a lot more than usual lately D:

on a different note, guy issues. i wish there was a third gender. boys are fickle and girls are crazy (i'd know :p), and i'm so over both of them. i'm over teenagers, really, with their volatility and i can never be enough for any of them.

i've always found winter beautiful, its fragility and whatnot. i'm tired of feeling ugly and worthless. i hope, as i become thin, those feelings will end, and i can be cold and feelingless and waif-fragile and beautiful, like winter.

maybe i'm just being melodramatic.

a fat girlfriend......

Today was awesome (sort of foodwise, since todays intake: half an apple, 3 chessmen, a "roaring waters" drink, and a peanutbutter and banana sandwich) becauseeeeee:

I GOT TO SIT NEXT TO MY CRUSH! for like 20 minutes

of course, me being shy and all, i said nothing. one of my best friends talks to him sometimes, and im kinda jealous of her. she is 5'7 and 100 pounds, so she is more or less perfect looking. we act like twins, and we're super alike, but because she's pretty, and i'm not, she can talk to any guy and they'll just laugh it off if she acts weird, versus what would happen to me if i did her antics. they'd just freak out and be disgusted.

im tired of being shy around guys people in general. i want to be pretty so people will be able to see ME versus just a "clever" fat girl.

thanks melodyia, you helper you, for telling about the turkish fast. eat breakfast between 4 and 6 am, nothing for lunch, and dinner between 6 and 8 pm, right? just no sweets or meat.

LUUUUCKILY: lenten season has started, and i have given up cow and pig products except (maybe cheese bc mum wont let me) milk. I hardly drink milk now anyway, save cereal, so it won't be too hard to abstain.

thinspo google searches: linda evangelista, chanel iman, gemma ward, hyoni kang, daria werbowy, kate somers

oxoxo

nina

mwah

Hey guys.

it feels like a gloomy sunday, but it's a manic monday *smirk* how fitting.

stress has been getting to me. i've 'sploded like a balloon. Such a failure, i've been eating chocolate and unhealthy foods like nobody's business.

cw:156,

gw1:150

gw2:140

gw3:130

fw: 125 and dream w: 110

im more or less having panic attacks in the middle of the day, twitching and snapping at people. my mind has been racing in incoherent thought amalgations (if that makes sense). im too tired to do anything, like read, or do homework, or do anything. every laugh feels forced, and i feel fake for trying to act like everything is normal with my friends. i hate people asking about me, so i have to fake it so they dont start asking me "how i feel" and if "im okayyyy" and other tripe. im sick and tired of school. im sick and tired of home. im sick and tired of friends. im sick and tired of people. im sick and tired of being ugly. im sick and tired of being stupid. im sick and tired of being me. im sick and tired of life. god, help me.

does anyone just have those days/weeks where everything just sucks?

btw: demetri martin's "important things" is a great show, watch it NAO